Uncategorized

The way depression happens in my head

I’m a neurotic.

Okay no, look, I’m not literally just a neurotic and nothing more than it.

But, I did a personality test the other day and found that my levels of neuroticism are exceptionally high. It makes me very prone to high levels of anxiety and depression and just generally feelings of low mood.

I can totally, totally see this. I notice it everyday!

Anyone else feel like they are on a very very bumpy roller coaster of ups and downs in their life? That’s me. The depression and anxiety show up way more often than not. And it’s not necessarily that anything ‘bad’ has actually happened, but my tendency to have a very negative outlook on things make things all the more challenging to brush off.

I caught myself in mid thought earlier, thinking about something bad that’s going to happen. Nothing in particular, but just the sense in my mind that things have to go bad before they can be right and before I can have a good time. I literally feel myself going back down hill into another phase of depression. Every few days or so they come. My physiology changes. I start feeling very lethargic. I feel ill physically. I feel very apathetic towards going to the gym, and i start to dread the future – constantly trying to find something i can remotely look forward to.

I think that’s why I love food so much. I look forward to eating so much because it brings me joy. But you see, this joy is temporary. A better way of looking at it is that i appreciate food and am grateful for it. I love it when it’s time to eat. But is this a ‘bad’ way to be? Who knows. Who knows what you’re even meant to do when you know you are prone to anxiety and depression. A lot of us are! I guess what it comes down to, is how you deal with it, and how much you let it affect you and your life.

For me, this, I must admit, is very difficult. I literally don’t know how to just ‘block it out’, and nor do I want to! I definitely can see how these low times proceed better times, and personally, I appreciate feeling good all the more when the ups come back around.

But when it actually affect your relationships? I’m not so sure.

You see, I have been lied to in the past. (yeah, who hasn’t – you may be thinking). And yeah while the lies were quite some time ago, to this day, every day, I suspect I’m being lied to still. And when you find you’re actually pretty neurotic generally and prone to anxiety as it is, it makes you question everything all the more. I always feel like I get ‘gut feelings’. Senses that I’m being lied to. And because when i was lied to before, and i had those ‘gut feelings’ then, and it turned out those gut feelings were in fact TRUE, and I WAS liked to… It makes things very confusing for me to get my head around.

So is it my intuition telling me I’m being lied to, or is it just my anxiety getting a grip of my head and projecting outwards on to the other person so that i see the anxiety in them WHICH could either be because they are guilty or because they hate being questioned? Which is more likely?  I’m constantly switching from both minds and outlooks. And it makes things feel very dark.

You see what I mean, when I say i feel like there is something out to get me? Like there is bad in the world and bad around me and that i’m being deceived and soon i will end up in a dark downward spiral? Compared to the other side of me who loves life and wants the best for everyone and knows that everything is gonna work out regardless of what happens?

They are two very contrasting ways of thinking. It baffles me, and leaves me confused every day. It causes divides in my relationship more than anything. It drives me insane i swear, and uses all of my mental energy. Sometimes it goes on for hours. It feels like i have voices telling me that this person is lying, and everything adds up in the moment, and i literally go in to a bit of a panic and its stressful and sad and… always ends up in tears and a deep wave of guilt when i see i was not very nice again. When i see my anxiety took over… And the cycle continues.

I want to put my anxiety to sleep. I want to stop this fear of being lied to from controlling my life. I want peace of mind for more than just a day or two. But I don’t really see how. This my neurotic mind speaking again? Maybe a bit… But it sure does feel good to write it down. Today I feel on the edge of depression again. I feel it seeping back in. I am dreading the gym. I WAS dreading the day ahead. But there’s got to be a way of stopping this from getting out my hands. I have to take control. I want to change! I want to be a better, more optimistic, forgiving person. I want trust in my life. I want to BE the best, most strongest version of myself. I want to empower others too. I want to share my story, because I know, that surely, this stuff happening to me right now will turn out to be a lesson of some sort. I have to have the mindset of growth. I know I can and will grow. I have faith.

So where does this leave me right now? I’m not too sure. I guess I shall try looking at things from a more neutral perspective – by not getting so involved with my emotions.  i need to focus on what matters to me, and who i intend to become and what i want to, before i quickly assume that everything is fucked and going downhill and that i have no control over anything. I have control over me, at the end of the day. I choose what i say, and how much i dwell and focus on the negative thoughts. I choose whether i stay disciplined and true to my actual intentions – because no, i don’t WANT to be lied to, or see myself depressed and low. I am at my worst in those situations, and i know how much better i CAN be!!

So i wanna focus on the sunnier side today. What I am most grateful for right now is the sound of nature. I truly love it.

Maybe someone out there can relate to my mind and these situations i find myself in. I think sharing and being open about it is the best thing at times, to get things in perspective and to let others see it from their neutral perspective.

This is also day 3 of my daily blogging, lol, i’m doing it!!

It’s quite enjoyable actually.

Thanks for reading though, i appreciate it.

Louise x

Please, share with me your thoughts. I'd love to hear them!